dealing with death

Those who know me would probably be surprised to find out that I get affected by people dying, but then again not many, since I only have 5 readers in a good month (i checked the stats hahahaha), i digress.

I would say that I can be critically cynical and sarcastic sometimes often most of the time, i also know i can get quite affected by death. It does not even have to be someone i know, yet i'd feel a deep sense of sadness just reading about a death in the newspaper, even going so far as to imagine who would life have been like if not for his/her untimely demise and naturally you start to question your own mortality. I guess this is all normal for some people but what scares me is when it is someone i know, then i'd flatly refuse to see them lying in the coffin. I had to do so for my grandfather, i still think of him often and do tear up when i do, especially when i recall what he looks like, even looking at his picture provokes the same reaction. Maybe it is because when i saw him in the coffin, he did not look like him, and definitely did not look like how i remembered him. It can be viewed as a blessing in disguise, but i do feel sad that i did not get a chance to say goodbye to Jeanie. Mum kept the knowledge of her passing from us (how it must have pained her) until we visited and the truth was painfully presented.

On a more personal note, we had some bad news in the form of a lump found in WW, which turned out to be stage 3 cancer. Maybe out of defiance or sheer stubborn reluctance to accept it, i refused to entertain any thought of her dying from this and maintained that we were to grow old together. Instead, i chose to channel my energy into helping her get well, believing that choosing to mope or think about such things would only lead to haplessness and an endless cycle of sorrowful and morbid thoughts. No matter what others said or thought of me, i made sure i was always there for her, regardless the situation or circumstance. One example was when she had to go under the knife and she confided that she had never gone under before, and i tried to share with her my own experience from way back. Still, it was a nerve wrecking wait for her operation to finish (three sets of surgeons) and if there was a good time to pick up prayer, that would have been the moment, Instead of waiting at home for the hospital to call (not sure how long beyond ten hours the operation would take), i decided to take a taxi there to wait instead, and after half an hour of peeking into the recovery room, i saw her being wheeled out. The nurse then called me on the telephone (she could have just said a bit louder since i was just behind the door next to her lol) to inform me. I wanted to badly to be there to let her know everything was going to be fine (even though i hadn't spoken to the doctors yet), and i accompanied her being wheeled up to her room, where i slept in fits and starts. I was reminded of another first night i spent in the same hospital after our offspring was born where i also awoke with every movement from the bed next to me. Much happier thoughts that comforted me.

I wasn't sure how to explain to the offspring, but it must have come abit of a shock to see her mother so pale and with so many tubes sticking out of her (drainage for the op sites). Worse was yet to come with the chemo. We tried to preempt the loss of hair by having our hair cut really short, and our dear hairdresser even managed to save her hair to be made into a wig if she wished. Found out later that he even did research into it to see how best to cut and save her hair. It was small actions like these which made me thankful for all the good people around us. We seemed to draw strength from each other, as we dealt with the situations as they came. So many times i would marvel at her strength as she underwent the blast cocktail of drugs that made her so unwell, and there were just as many times when i drew strength from our offspring, who despite being shocked at her mother's condition, was unwavering in her support and even knowing how and when to cheer us up when we needed. My only contribution i could muster up was to try not to be sad or disheartened around the twin lights of my life, and they would never see me break down. False bravado, but that was the best i could do.

They always say that in the end, you always die alone, which may be the case, but the legacy of memories that you leave behind with those around you will live forever in their hearts.

A quotation i came across seemed to sum up the various situations well, and it came from Dracula (how ironic given ww's profession).
"I will not let you go into the unknown alone" - Bram Stoker

soccer on sunday

Proving that we aren't too old to kick a ball around, we joined in the usual Sunday morning kickabout recently, after having attended soccer training sessions and the differences in style and tactics compared to before have become evident.

Being older, it becomes easier to play a possessive style of soccer that passes the ball until the other team becomes fatigued and disorganized. For the first 10 minutes, everything fairly even with our attacking probing with tentative lay off passes and through balls, but it cracked after a first goal by yours truly as we hassled their defenders and i got the square pass which left me 1-v-1 with the keeper, and sensing that he was following the direction of my run to my left, i flicked the ball far post right to score. It was mayhem from that point on, as played solid possession soccer to deny them the ball, tire them out and create chances, so much so that the second half saw so many 4-v-1 situations that it was almost embarrassing as we queued up to shoot at goal. I did manage one more again on my right foot by thumping it near post, taking some minor deflections on the way, but it was on the way in anyways. My team mates also had awesome games as we defended well as a team and attacked fluidly.

The final score of 5-2 flattered them, because we really should have scored more at the rate we were holding the ball, but we enjoyed ourselves and stayed injury free and that's what mattered the most. Also managed to pass to a team mate first-time from a long ball from the keeper by flicking it on between two defenders using my outside heel! Too bad the return pass was snuffled or else it would have made for a really cool goal.

Christmas gig

We did our last gig for the year and interspersed our usual songs with Christmas songs. It is really great to play music with such talented musicians and awesome guys to boot, and we hope this feeling of goodwill and friendship can be felt in the music we played.

Just wanted to wish one and all a very merry and joyous Christmas, may all your homes be filled with laughter and your heart filled with goodwill. =)